Issue 4-evah
4 sho, 4 shizzle, 4chan, 4 realz
0. It’s Been a Long Time
Sorry 4 the silence these past weeks. Life happened fast and furious. Barry’s daughters all had marching band, and he chaperoned 4 the parades. His eldest daughter also went and got a boyfriend. Shawn’s been feeling a little under the weather, and his two boys graduated. His sons haven’t gotten a girlfriend or boyfriend yet.
Get used to it as there won’t be a newsletter next week, either. It’s good to keep expectations low.
Now on to 4 things 4 this 4th issue.
1. 4 Rings 4 30
Congratulations to the 4 amazing 4-time NBA Champions Steph Curry, Draymond Green, Klay Thompson, and Andre Iguodala. Bravo to first time NBA Champion, Andrew Wiggins.
2. 4 Years of Lutz
If you watched 30 Rock you may remember the lovable loser J.D. Lutz. Years ago on a visit to NYC I was able to see John Lutz, who portrayed the Lutz character, Scott Adsit, and Jason Sudeikis per4m improv at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater. They weren’t firing on all cylinders that night, which is just how improv goes sometimes, but it still got me curious to bring up some wikipedia pages after I returned home.
Imagine my surprise when I learned that Lutz was supposedly born in my hometown. I grew up in a sparsley populated corner of Minnesota. The town housed 5,000 people, and my home county had 10,000 souls. Just as Minnesota claims any famous person remotely associated with the state (👋 Vince Vaughn), any Minnesota town does the same. Where I grew up we were treated annually to newspaper articles about Phil Bruns, who played Morty Seinfeld 4 one episode b4 being replaced.
My mother-in-law loves to research genealogy so I tasked her with putting the truth to this lie that Lutz was born where I was born. How could it be that this star was in our midst, but our local newspaper had yet to pick up on it? To my great surprise she did some digging and discovered that indeed he had been born where Wikipedia said he was born. His family had lived in the area 4 at least 4 years b4 moving on.
So one more time this small town is famous, though it hasn’t yet realized it. Maybe someday I’ll tip them to the truth. And to be fair, Phil Bruns actually had a long working career as an actor. Good 4 him! —BH
3. 4 Thoughts While Sitting Through 2 Graduations
What does one do with a middle school or elementary school diploma?
Some of these kids will grow up to be scientists and save our lives in the future. Some might become criminals. At least one might become a pedophile.
I think "be yourself" is a terrible advice to kids. Some of these children are spoiled brats and some have asshole tendencies––and you wouldn't want them to be their true selves.
My ass hurts.
—SL
4. 4 Tries
You can try the best you can
You can try the best you can
The best you can is good enough
You can try the best you can
You can try the best you can
The best you can is good enough
— Optimistic by Radiohead
We hope you have a good enough week. See you soon.
In b4 the lock.
Top 4 newsletter of all time.